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Sarah Silverman fansite

May. 5th, 2008 | 04:00 pm
posted by: malevolentia in thearistocrats

Just opened a fansite for Sarah Silverman at www.sarah-silverman.net
And as you probably know she was in the movie ;) Go visit the site now!

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thearistocrats

(no subject)

Aug. 16th, 2006 | 02:20 pm
posted by: yummypumpkins in thearistocrats

One day a man walks into a talent agent’s office. The talent agent says, “What can I do for you?”
The man replies, “I’m here to show you my act.”
“Let’s have it then,” says the talent agent.
“Honey, kids, come on in here, and bring the dog.” Beckons the man to his family.
The talent agent stands up. “Wait one minute, I don’t need a family act.”
The man jumps in, “Yes you do. You have to see our act, you’ll love it.”
The talent agent sits back down. “Let’s see it then.”
The family begins their act.

   The wife brings out a baby pool, the family gathers around, take off their clothes and they all shit and piss in the pool. The man bends his wife over and fucks her in the ass while the son beings to eat out his sister. The family dog is humping the leg of the father who is now fucking his son whilst the son is still fucking his sister. The mother puts on a party hat and rams it up the father’s ass while she sticks her fingers up the dog’s ass. The sister, now finished being fucked by her brother, leaves the room and returns with a hoop. The brother lights the hoop on fire, holds it over the baby pool full of shit and the father, mother, sister, and family dog all take turns jumping through it into the pool of shit and piss. The brother then pisses out the flames and beings to jack off over his family who are rolling around in the shit pool. The mother is now fucking the family dog, while the father and daughter are making shit snowmen. The brother cums all over his family, and then jumps into the pool with them. The family beings to wrestle, sensually, in the shit, occasionally stopping to eat their own feces. The daughter starts tossing her mother’s salad and jacking off her father while the dog is licking her pussy, and the brother is fucking the dog in the ass. The family climbs out of the baby pool of shit. Scooping out some of the shit from the pool, the father spreads in on the floor and beings to do a soft shoe routine, while the mother, brother, and sister ride unicycles around him singing “God Bless America” as the dog licks their asses as they pass around. The father gives the mother a Dirty Sanchez and the kids take turns licking the shit off their mother’s lip. The brother punches his sister, knocking her to the ground, and the dog fucks her head, cumming in her hair, making a big sticky mess. The father, mother and brother gather around the sister and pick the dog cum out of her hair and eat it. The mother then begins to lactate , and breast feeds the dog as father and son sandwich the sister in a 69.

    The talent agent is sitting stunned in his seat. “I, ah,”

    “Wait,” says the Father, who is now being blown by his son, “we’ve still got the big finish.”

    The mother stands on her head and does the splits. The son takes a ping pong ball and puts it in his mother’s vagina, she shoots it out and the family dog jumps between her legs, and catches the ball in mid air. The dog, upon landing shits on the sister who is being fucked in the ear by her brother, who is being ass fucked by his father, who is being fucked in his ass by the mother with a strap-on. Together, they all reach orgasm, turn around, and light a collective fart on fire, burning off all their ass hair.
 “Taa-Daa,” The family says, and they take a bow.
The talent agent is slack jawed in amazement. “What the hell do you call that?”
“The Aristocrats!”

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thearistocrats

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Jul. 28th, 2006 | 02:16 pm
posted by: eddie_offermann in thearistocrats

So this actor walks into his talent agent's office and says "I've got this great new act that you have just GOT to see! It's this family..."

The talent agent cuts him off. "Family act? FAMILY? Nah, I don't think so. Nobody's given a damn about fucking family acts since the goddamn Osmonds."

"Seriously... You HAVE to see this act. I've got them out in the lobby, let me bring them in."

Alright... I'll take a look. No promises. If they suck, they're out of here.Collapse )

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thearistocrats

(no subject)

Mar. 19th, 2006 | 09:00 pm
posted by: distaste in thearistocrats

I found this illustration of the aristocrats someone made through google images. thought this community would appreciate it.

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thearistocrats

Count your blessings, i could have had this go on for hours.

Mar. 19th, 2006 | 12:33 am
posted by: distaste in thearistocrats

Well, here ya go guys. I normally do more proofreading and tweaking and such, but
a. I'm tired.
b. it's the aristocrats. I'm sure i'll be forgiven if I end a sentence with a preposition or let a typo slip.

So, without further ado...

The AristocratsCollapse )

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thearistocrats

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Feb. 18th, 2006 | 10:53 pm
posted by: _soiled_soul in thearistocrats

My aristocrats
A midde aged man walks into a talent agency. He has a look of pride on his face. Very sophisticated. The talent agent looks at him with approval, but still waiting to see what he has in store.The man bows his head, Introduces his wife. His wife walks on stage, wearing nothing but a strategically placed tampon. Her flow is very heavy today, as her legs are dripping with clots of blood. The man gets down on his knees and licks his wife's bloody vagina. Out from behind the curtain comes a young girl. She looks to be about 7 or 8. She smiles at the talent agent.At this point, the agent crassly slides his hand in his pants, under the desk in front of him.The little girl takes off her "Hello Kitty" shirt exposing her Pre pube breasts, and unbuttons her jeans. The man gargles on the menstrual blood of his wife, swallows it and says "this is my little girl, Trish, today is her seventh Birthday". He stammers off stage.
Trish goes to her mother, cleans off the blood that her father hadnt already licked off, at this point, The man comes back, with a tire iron in his hand, fire in his eyes. He grabs his naked daughter, sticks the tire iron inside her. His wife comes up to him, gets down on her back, underneath him. He squats down, while fucking his daughter with a tire iron, He lets loose the worst case of diahreah, all over his wifes face. His daughter is now crying, and bleeding from her vagina, She was not prepared for this part of the sketch. The man takes out his cock, puts the tire iron to the side and starts fucking his daughter in her ass. Her shit covered mother moves in front of Trish, spits some of the shit in her face. She then slaps and punches her daughter in the face, repeatedly, until Trish's face is completely disfigured. The man takes his cock out, and his wife gets out from under Trish. He goes over to the other end of the stage, procedes to lick out the remaining menstrual blood from his wifes vagina. He then sticks his fist inside her. He takes out his fist, but inside his clenched fist is a fetus. He sticks the fetus inside his mouth. The wife stands up, with a blazing look on her eyes. He swallows. She smacks him. He smacks her, then punches her. She falls down. He stands up on her, but he slips on the shitty bloody vomt mess, falls and cracks his head open.She gets the tire iron, and grinds into her husband. opening his stomach, she stirs through his innards and eventually finds her unborn child. The talent agent is clearly aroused, as he lets out a moan, as if he had just climaxed. This distracts the woman. It also awakens Trish, who is still alive. Trish crawls over to her mom, crying. The talent agent now realizes that he is in public and sits up in his seat, wipes his mess off his fingers, clears his throat. Looking at the mess on stage, and at Trish and her mother, and the fetus, the agent is in awe. He manages to speak out asking what the name of this act is. The fetus opens his mouth and says "The Aristocrats"

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thearistocrats

Overheard

Feb. 12th, 2006 | 08:11 am
posted by: revme in thearistocrats

So, like this family walks into a talent agent's and the talent agent says "what do you call yourselves" and the family says "The Aristocrats!" and, oh, no, wait, I fucked it up.

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thearistocrats

(no subject)

Feb. 7th, 2006 | 02:17 pm
posted by: mr_billy in thearistocrats

SO this family walks in to an entertainment agents office and Say " we have an act for you" the Agent says " we do not do family acts, they are a dime a dozen." So the Father explains " we are Different Let Us Perform It." The Agent Replies " Get The Fuck out of my office before I sodomize you with a 10 speed." The Mother Says " I am sorry we wasted Your Time, you must have seen us in the Pokenoes."

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thearistocrats

Not a new telling...

Oct. 1st, 2005 | 09:59 pm
posted by: revme in thearistocrats

...but one posted on McSweeney's a while ago in the style of Bob Newhart. I found it quite hilarious, really.

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thearistocrats

Originally posted here (http://www.livejournal.com/users/revme/189023.html) a while ago.

Aug. 16th, 2005 | 01:00 pm
posted by: revme in thearistocrats

So, there's this big shot talent agent. He's got a great reputation. He manages most of the really huge acts and almost any newcomer he takes on becomes a huge star in a matter of months. He's got great connections and a great eye for what the people want.

Needless to say, he's often besieged by potential clients wanting him to choose them and take them to fame and stardom. In fact, he had so many people wanting to get an audition with him that if he saw everyone, he wouldn't have time to do anything else. However, the agent realized that he could always use new acts and that it'd be a little selfish to not spread his gift around with folks who could possibly deserve it. As such, shortly after he started getting swamped, the agent set a new policy where one day a week, on Tuesdays, he would devote half of his day, from 9am to lunch (which he preferred to take at 12.30, but could go as late as 1.15 if he wasn't particularly hungry that day) to screening new acts.Read more...Collapse )

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