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Jul. 28th, 2006 | 02:16 pm
posted by: eddie_offermann in thearistocrats

So this actor walks into his talent agent's office and says "I've got this great new act that you have just GOT to see! It's this family..."

The talent agent cuts him off. "Family act? FAMILY? Nah, I don't think so. Nobody's given a damn about fucking family acts since the goddamn Osmonds."

"Seriously... You HAVE to see this act. I've got them out in the lobby, let me bring them in."

"Alright... I'll take a look. No promises, they suck, they're out of here."

The actor opens the door and whispers out "You're on! Make it good!"

From out in the lobby you hear the click of somebody starting a small portable stereo and the sounds of calliope music drift into the room. "Bum-bum-butta-dun, duh dum dum duhhh dum!" and the talent agent half expects to see a family of clowns run in. Instead, the door pushes open only a little and in walks a small boy about five years old.

The boy walks over to the agent's desk, climbs up, screams at the top of his lungs "CUNT!" and starts peeing in his pants. The agent leans back as he sees the boys pants turn dark in front and a puddle forms at the boy's feet. The boy yells "FUCK!" and strips off his pants, spins around, and in walks his mother, a grotesquely fat woman, completely stark naked. The boy throws his piss-soaked pants to his mom, turns around, does a backflip off of the desk and in mid-air grabs his tiny five year old penis and starts yanking on it while yelling "PISS! CUM! PISS! CUM!" over and over again.

Mom takes the wet pants, tilts her head back, and starts wrenching the pants, twisting them until yellow piss starts dripping out of them onto her face and into her mouth. She gargles it, swishing it around in her mouth and behind her the door flys the rest of the way open and in runs a little girl about the same age as the boy, the boy's father, and an elderly woman with a chicken under each arm. All of them are completely naked, including the chickens which have been plucked of all their feathers, still alive, but bloody and unhappy about it.

The little girl is wearing a strap on that's nearly as big as she is, she's holding it with both hands to keep it upright and is slowly licking around the head of it. Her mom turns toward her and starts spewing a thin stream of the little boy's urine out of her mouth like a fountain. She's up on one foot, arms out to the sides and the stream is arcing slowly toward the little girl. It starts splashing on the little girl's face, into her mouth as well, and she starts to gulp it down. The father rushes over, stroking his cock, picks up the little girl keeping her face in line with the stream and slides his cock in her tiny, virgin 5 year old pussy. He lays down on the ground, she tucks her legs behind her head and he starts spinning her around like a top. She starts projectile vomiting, chunks of creamed spinach and urine being churned out of stomach spraying in all directions as the boy springs over, grabs her shoulders to stop her spinning and shoves his cock in his sister's mouth. She keeps wretching, vomit spraying out of the corners in dual streams now as he pumps her face then pulls out of her and slides his ass down onto the giant dildo his sister is wearing.

On the sideline, grandma is shoving one of the chickens, inch by inch into her cunt. Holding a hand under her own ass, she takes a greasy shit into it and uses the foul brown mush to lubricate the chicken and make it easier to insert.

Meanwhile, mom grabs a chair sitting at a small stenographer's desk in the corner, flips it upside down and breaks two of the legs off. She heaves the great roll of fat that's hanging down from her belly and shoves one chair leg up her hairy snatch, then leans the other chair leg into a corner, wedges it against her ass, pries her ass cheeks apart with both hands and slides back until the other leg all but disappears into her cavernous asshole. Slowly she starts rocking back and forth, her ass muscles pushing the chair leg out, then leaning back to shove it back in as she works the chunk of wood in and out of her cunt with both hands.

Grandma manages to shove the entire first chicken into her flabby cunt, first shoving the second chicken's head into the first chicken's ass before letting the ass disappear inside her cavernous old puss.

Dad stands up, his cock still hard and twitching, covered in his daughter's blood, somersaults to the talent agent's desk, grabs a letter opener then leaps up onto the desk, swings from the ceiling fan and lands in front of Mom. He grabs each nipple, slicing them off with the letter opener and starts dangling the bloody pieces of teat in the air. The boy and girl stop what they're doing, the girl pulls the dildo out of her brother's ass and they walk over. The boy's shitting himself, streaks of diarrhea running down his legs, and they each kneel and beg at Father's feet underneath a nipple each. Dad drops them into the kids open mouths, leans over, takes the shit-covered dildo in his mouth sucking and licking it clean then deeply tongue-kisses his son. Then he starts licking the shit off his son's legs and french kisses his daughter, reaching over and sliding a couple fingers into her cunt, slowly working more in. The boy leans forward, starts jacking and sucking his father's cock as Dad begins to vigorously pump his hand farther and farther into the little girl's gaping pussy until half his arm is disappearing inside her.

She passes out and he loses interest, moving on to grandma who's now sprawled across the desk with her legs in the air, punching the ass of the second chicken with both of her fists, trying to bang it farther up her crusty nether region. Dad guides his cock into the ass of the chicken that grandma's shoving up herself and starts pounding away, each thrust shoving the shit-greased chicken farther up grandma's cunt.

Mom comes over, picks up the limp body of the little girl and starts fucking herself with the strapon that's still attached to her as Son mounts his unconscious little sister's ass and starts pounding away himself, licking the blood off of his mother's bloody tits.

The whole family in unison begins reciting The Apostle's Creed, "I believe in God the Father, Almighty, Maker of heaven and earth, and in Jesus Christ his only begotten Son, our Lord" as grandma has a heart attack and dies in the throes of passion, her pussy clenching one last time around the chickens shoved up inside her. This causes the Father to cum violently, feeling the death throes of grandma and the chickens. He screams, the little girl wakes up, her ass filled with her brother's throbbing cock and she starts screaming "Baruch Atah Adonai Eluhenu, Melekh HaOlam!" while the rest of the family continues the Apostle's Creed.

Just as they're finishing, "the resurrection of the body and the life everlasting. Amen!" grandpa walks in, dressed in a Nazi uniform dragging the bodies of two emaciated Jewish girls behind him. He shits on one, starts fucking the other one then just as he's about to come he pulls out, jacks off on her face then sits on her open, gasping mouth, shits, holds her nose closed and yells "Here comes the Zyclon B!" as he lets out an enormous fart directly into her mouth. She thrashes, choking on the shit and fart gas, trying to push him off her but collapses unconscious as he stands up, douses both of them in gasoline and lights them on fire.

Father pulls his cock out, covered in chicken blood and cum and wipes it on his daughter's back. Mom and son stand next to him, all three of them piss on the burning Jews to put them out, Grandpa runs up behind each one of them, fucking them in the ass one at a time until he finishes in the daughter's ass and all of the remaining live and conscious ones take a bow, raise their arms and sing out "Tadaaaa!"

"You're signed!" exclaims the talent agent. "What do you call yourselves?"

"The Aristocrats!"

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Comments {4}


From: amarynthus
Date: Jul. 28th, 2006 08:33 pm (UTC)

(Applause) As I was reading I thought you might have left out some sacreligous stuff, but then you pull out the "Apostles Cree" and Jewish blessing, not to mention Nazi's. Excellent rendition.

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Rev. Syung Myung Me

From: revme
Date: Jul. 29th, 2006 04:46 pm (UTC)

That was horrific and disgusting and of no redeeming social value.


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Julie Fucking Winters

From: enigma74
Date: Jul. 31st, 2006 05:34 pm (UTC)

Yep, gross.

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From: yummypumpkins
Date: Aug. 16th, 2006 09:56 pm (UTC)

I'm going to die laughing, I'm crying I'm laughing so hard. Thank you for that.

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